Assaulted Nuts
by CJS51703
Summary: While fooling around at work one day, SpongeBob receives a staple to the worst of areas. (Please read. Rated just in case.)
*****Let me explain. This is a crossover using the story of an episode of The King of Queens and the characters of SpongeBob SquarePants. Someone else did something also using the same episode but used different characters, so I decided to give it a go. SpongeBob is cast as Doug, who is kind of a dork. Sandy is cast as Carrie, Doug's fiery-but-not-always-fiery wife. Once more, I own nothing. There may be OOC moments, but I'm trying my best. Without further ado, kick back, grab a soda, and enjoy the story.**

Sandy sat at the table, sketching ideas for the pieces of a brand new invention. It was already in the works, but there were still a few pieces remaining to buy. It was hard to work when there was yelling a few rooms over.

Patrick had been staying at the SquarePants house while his rock was being renovated. "SpongeBob!" he yelled. "What, Patrick?!" SpongeBob yelled from upstairs.

"I can't find the TV remote batteries!"

"So?!"

"So I don't know where they are!"

Sandy sighed. She moved her stuff outside of the house in hopes of drowning out the yelling of the boys.

"No, we didn't!" Patrick yelled.

"Whatever! They're in the drawer beside the one with all the silverware!" SpongeBob called, getting frustrated.

Sandy could still hear the boys arguing outside.

"I don't know where the silverware is!"

"For crying out loud, shut up and I'll show you!"

XxX

The next morning, SpongeBob was getting ready for work. "Under and over and loop-de-loop and.." he mumbled. "Sponge, come in here!" Sandy yelled from a few rooms over. After finishing his shoe-tying, SpongeBob went down the hall.

"What do you think so far?" Sandy asked. SpongeBob didn't understand this inventor-mumbo-jumbo, so he did the best logical thing: "Looks great, hon." Sandy sighed at the lie. "But yeah, this is my last day to finish it. My bosses want it done. So you need to meet me at the bank at 12:30 so we can get a bank loan because our cash is tied. I'll see you there," she said. Then she tried to leave.

SpongeBob stepped in the doorway. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Need I remind you that I managed to do our whole bedroom with under $500?" he reminded. Sandy pointed to the TV in front of the bed. "No electronic payments 'til June of 2016," SpongeBob said. "Next month," Sandy said.

Then, not wanting to deal with any more nonsense, she pushed past SpongeBob and went to work.

XxX

Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and SpongeBob were seeing who could shoot the most consecutive staples into the trash can. SpongeBob was currently shooting.

"76...77...78...79! Sorry Squidward, but there's a new sheriff in town. His name is SpongeBob SquarePants!" the shooter sponge declared. Squidward sighed. He went to go refill the drink he had. SpongeBob kept shooting.

"Under the leg for number 8-eep!" he squealed. "Oh, you missed. Still in the record book. Come on, back to work," Krabs said. He stopped after he felt a grip on his wrist.

"K-Krabs."

"Yes?"

"I don't think I missed. I stapled me."

"Where?"

"Um...the area. It's stuck there. What do I do?!"

"Shut up, calm down. One yank of the pants and it'll be right out."

"That'll hurt you less than me."

Then Squidward came in the office with the work phone in his hand. "SpongeBob, your wife's calling," he said. "Oh Lord," SpongeBob mumbled. He took the phone despite his mind's will against it.

"Hi Sandy."

"Hey. Just wondering, how long is the drive from the Krusty Krab to the bank?"

"A little over fifteen minutes."

"Okay, that's good. But why do you sound so...I dunno, nervous? What did you do?"

"I'm nervous? You're the nervous one, bye!"

"But-"

Too late. SpongeBob hung up. "Okay. I can still get this stupid staple removed and get to the bank on time. But Krabs, you're driving me to the hospital," he said. Krabs dug around for his boat keys. SpongeBob, despite the pain, made his way to the boat.

XxX

The nurse fish was a little shocked as she look at the papers filled out. "Um, sir, why did you draw under the question asking why you're here?" she asked at last. "It's the best way I know how to put it." SpongeBob paused to look at the nurse fish's expression. "And yes, those are what you think they are."

The nurse fish didn't even want to know what had happened or what the little line was. "Okay. If you can just show us you insurance card, we'll get you to a doctor," she said. SpongeBob froze as he realized where the insurance card was.

Sandy's purse.

"Just give me a few minutes. I need to make a phone call," SpongeBob said. He carefully sat down and took out his shell phone to call Patrick.

"Hey, it's SpongeBob...yes, SquarePants...yes, your best friend. I need you to go into the bedroom. Sandy's purse is in there and you need to bring her insurance card to the hospital. You'll do that? Great!" SpongeBob said before hanging up.

All that was left to do now was wait.

XxX

Patrick had been told something he knew would be easy...maybe. He went into the bedroom and found the purse smack-dab on the bed. _Well, that was easy._

"Why are you here?" a voice asked. Sandy had come back. "Why are _you_ here?" Patrick echoed. He put the purse on the bed once again. Sandy saw him do that. "I just came back for my stuff. Give it!" she snapped. She grabbed the purse back. She slowly looked up after digging around.

"What do you want?" she asked. "The insurance card," Patrick said. Lying would get him nowhere; he'd learned that the hard way. Sandy dug it out and gave it over. "Here. Just bring it back in one piece," she said.

With a nod of his head, Patrick was out the door.

XxX

Patrick arrived at the hospital a couple minutes later as he knew the route well. He knew a lot about head injuries.

SpongeBob gave a sigh of relief at the sight of his best friend. "Thank Neptune you came. I've been dying for that card," he said. He gave it to the nurse fish. "Thank you, Mr. SquarePants," she said.

SpongeBob sat down next to Patrick carefully. "Why're you here anyways?" Patrick asked. SpongeBob looked around to make sure no one was listening. He leaned in and whispered, "I shot myself with a stapler in the worst of all places." Patrick's eyes widened.

Almost immediately after did a small _beep-beep-beep_ noise sound. SpongeBob's watch. "Oh no," he sighed. He turned to Patrick. "Hold my place in line."

"Where're you going?"

"The bank."

XxX

Sandy looked at the clock on her phone and sighed. 12:34. Just then, SpongeBob came in. His position was a little awkward, but that was easy to overlook. "Sorry. I had...difficulty. Come on, let's get the papers signed," he said. Sandy was about to ask, but an employee came up to them.

"Mr. and Mrs. SquarePans, right this way," he said. "Um, it's SquarePANTS," Sandy corrected. The employee just kept walking. "Okay then, Mrs. SquarePANTS," he said. Sandy rolled her eyes.

A few minutes later, everything was signed. "Well, see ya," SpongeBob said. Sandy grabbed his wrist. "Hold on. Why're you acting so strange? Ever since you went to work this morning, you've been all weird. What's the story?" Sandy asked.

SpongeBob sighed. Well, he knew this he'd have to face it sooner or later. He whispered it to Sandy since he had nothing to write with. Her eyes widened at the explanation. "Come on, you should be at the hospital!"

The employee was behind them. He was stapling away at some forms. SpongeBob eventually couldn't take it. He turned around and said, "For crying out loud, just use a paperclip!"

XxX

 _French narrator: A few very loud and painful moments later..._

The doctor dropped the staple into the trash can, clearly disgusted. "Um, okay, that's done," he said. He left to go wash his hands off after claiming there were more people to attend to.

SpongeBob let out a sigh of relief. "I'm glad that's over," he said. Sandy rubbed his back, nodding quickly in agreement. "Me too," she said. "Believe me."

XxX

Patrick really had noting better to do. So he found a staple gun in Sandy's "office" and found an empty trash can. He started on shooting before attempting an under-the-leg.

"OW!"

 *****I know that someone somewhere will get mad at me for this. Please, nothing bad and/or dirty in your reviews. Thanks for clicking and I'll see you later.**


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